Time is limited and as I get older I feel that I should focus my time on doing things that are worthwhile. The number one thing that I avoid doing is playing video games. And the activity that I try to do the most is reading, especially books on philosophy or books related to work i.e. computers and biology. This need, of doing worthwhile things, really stems from thinking about my future. The need to start a family, purchase a house and advance my career. But are things like this universally important to everyone?

I guess the real question to ask is, what do you want out of life? And that’s a tough question to answer; especially when you’re alone sitting in your room. I have asked myself this question many times. My answers usually have something to do with “helping people” and “being happy”. Not very specific but it’s a good start. Helping people gives you one of the greatest joys a person can experience, but there are just so many different ways to help people. My current work now helps biologists understand kidneys more, which may someday indirectly help patients with kidney problems. But most of the times, I just see myself working on the computer.

So back to the original question, what do you do in your spare time? Lately, I’ve been obsessed with a book called “The Alchemist”. I highlighted passages in the book that I enjoy and can relate to, watched “The English Patient (again)” to help my visualisation of the desert (The English Patient’s setting is in the desert), and read the book some more. And if you know what “The Alchemist” is about, you’ll know that I am constantly striving to understand the world better and to find myself. So although this blog entry seems to be going all over the place, my main message is encapsulated in the quote stated right at the start of my entry; what a person does in his/her spare time has a lot to do with what the person is like.

But me being me, I didn’t really want to publish this entry because it is so poorly written. And I’m one of those people that scribbles ideas on a piece of paper and then crumples it up x100! Being a perfectionist is more negative than positive!

I’ve had some experience as a salesman and one of the things we were trained on is impulse. Always remember to remind the customer that this is a limited offer (even if it isn’t). Impulse is also the basis of those infomercials you see 3am in the morning (if you’re ever up watching t.v. at that hour). Call now and receive this and that absolutely free. This offer is only limited to the next 500 callers so be quick. I’ve been suckered into buying one of these products. It was a series of audio cassettes that claims to help your memory. The first couple of tapes were pretty cool, but eventually I found the product to be pretty shallow and unapplicable. I was 14.

We are constantly trying to distinguish between admiration or passion, lust or love, and impulse or real need. We try to change careers, change partners, buy new products all in an attempt to find our passion. Why is it so hard to find something that we can adhere to? I believe it has to do with freshness. The quote at the start of this entry basically encapsulates my whole belief of passion. I believe humans are innately wired to keep demanding freshness. It’s a trait that has been selected during evolution. Because if we were content with what we had, the human race wouldn’t have evolved so quickly since the neanderthals. No other species are like humans, which you may argue is not a good thing (listen to Agent Smith in “The Matrix”).

So unless there is a perpetual succession of freshness, we won’t really further lust into love, admiration into passion and impulse into continual need. It’s just like playing a role playing computer game, where you want to level up your character and find the best items in the game. But the addiction dies out once you have reached the highest level and found all the items in the game (which is something I have achieved in Diablo 2, twice). I had my level 99 character (with several others close to 99) and all the best items in the game; then I asked myself now what?

So when you are searching for your passion, find something that continually brings you joy and a feeling of accomplishment (Diablo 2 is probably not an ideal candidate). Find something that makes you get out of bed every morning (preferably not coco pops). And once you find your passion, I’m sure great things will happen.

However while we might be achieving more, there is a price to pay. In the exact words of Leo (founder of zen habits) “This comes at a cost: we lose that time for contemplation, for observing and listening. We lose peace.” Life is all about balance, and we can’t neglect the part of us that requires this peace. With that I decided to be still for a moment and reflect.

I sat and pondered on my current situation. I looked back 4 years ago, a fresh honours graduate going through a tough relationship. I suffered from depression, low self esteem, and a general lack of direction. It was tough back then, especially when I lacked the support I needed. It is a very long story (which I plan to graduately write about), but I am glad to have met many people along the way that made things better. Life is very different these days. I’m in more control of my life and much happier. I still have the down times but they don’t last. I have chosen to be happy.

Thinking back and reflecting makes me appreciate the things I have today. I enjoy my work, I am in good health and have a better half. Sometimes it is nice to be still; it makes you appreciate the things you have in life.

These days I am bombarded by television channels, shopping malls, cinemas and movies to watch, computer games, and the internet. There’s just too much to do. Ironically I feel more bored and unsatisfied. I have an abundance of computer and video games to play, an abundance of books to read, movies to watch and channels to surf. Yet when I get a spare moment from work, I don’t know what to do. I play a game for a couple of minutes and would rather be doing something else. Perhaps the plethora of activities have left me with a short attention span, which reminds me of an article I read detailing how social networking sites will spawn a generation with an even shorter attention span. The short updates (i.e. Facebook status or twitter), is slowly taking over but that’s another story. However it seems counter-intuitive that we feel more bored with the increase in activities to do.

I would rather be devoid of this new era of entertainment. I would rather just live in the land of far far away and enjoy one thing at a time. It’s hard to keep track of so much information. People may view a country lifestyle as boring and uninteresting, but there’s a certain appeal to it. I would rather sit under a tree enjoying a book, than sitting in front of my computer surfing the information super highway. I would rather just concentrate on one thing at a time to fully digest on the one thing. Simplicity is a beautiful thing.

In the movie, the main actress’s husband had recently died. He was at his own funeral and a man who knew him described him as someone who wasn’t the most generous and most giving person but however without doubt had a heart of gold. I always imagine myself as a ghost sitting at my own funeral, which sounds pretty terrible, but I would like to hear about the legacy I left behind or there lack of. I would like to leave behind a legacy that brings the best out of people, one that reunites people and one that gives people the energy to be generous and helpful. I know if I died today, that wouldn’t be the eulogy I would receive. So sometimes it is good to think about my death, because it helps me refocus and think about my life.

Today is the first day of the month, a good time to start a new regime. I went grocery shopping tonight and purchased almost 120 dollars worth of groceries. I bought lots of fruits, vegetables and breakfast! I’ve been buying food from the university for almost two weeks now, and besides wasting a lot of money, it has been unhealthy. I have also finished doing some light skipping and weights, and necessary cleaning of the bathroom! And my mind is definitely much more clear and active now. A week ago I would have difficulty writing my blog and just thinking concisely. I should really remember the importance of good health.

I know I can easily lose focus and lose track of things, but for once I would like to keep focused. It has been physically and mentally rewarding, and it is only day one.